Monday, May 21, 2012

Terrified- A Post Graduation Thing

Don't listen to them when they warn you. Those people who tell you that real life starts after you get your bachelor''s just not true...real life drops an anvil on your head. Ok so not so much but lately Justin and I have been dedicating our time and talents to figuring out how to go about beginning this whole real life thing. Justin still has plenty of school left but this side of graduating reveals a few areas of interest that are going to take a lot of thought and planning. For one thing there's that whole paying for P.T. school thing that's hovering on the cusp of this next year . Justin still has a few year-long pre-req classes he has to take before he applies so the big numbers aren't quite looming yet, but that hovering thing is still pretty uncomfortable. My second concern is quite selfish, yet totally normal. I am absolutely terrified that I won't get a super-awesome job to show off to everyone! There I said it. I know it sounds vain, but I keep feeling the pressure to become something brilliantly amazing and the terrible thing is I am not so sure I want it anymore! Is journalism truly where my heart and future lie? Honestly I chose journalism because I love to write and deadlines suit me, but with the economy the way it is and newspapers becoming a thing of the past I don't know what kind of jobs will be left for me, and I am just too prideful to work my way from the very bottom ( think bicycle route-ouch). I also wonder if I should go for my master's degree. My mom and grandma want me to. They tell me I am too good at school not to stick it out and  take it to the next level. I did like college and I would love to take more classes, but I balk each time I get to that point in the conversation with myself because of my fourth concern , the biggest concern of all, the one that tugs at my heart and keeps me awake at night-alternately quivering with fear and cooing with excitement.

I want a baby. This will make little sense to those of my friends who are busy being college students, but I am leading a very different life than they are. I finished college in three years. As you can imagine that means there was very little partying and experimenting involved. I did a lot of finding myself, but I didn't do it with a killer internship or by switching majors. It happened somewhere between running to the tops of mountains and late night talks with the man who would become a part of me. I got married ( remember how confused that made people?). What I am trying to say is that I am in a different place than most of the kids my age. And I am sure most of those kids will think that this is all terribly cliche this whole getting married at twenty and then blathering on about wanting kids NOW instead of when I'm 23 thing. But that's just it, I want a baby. No matter how silly or cliche or brainwashed or whatever else it sounds the real truth of the matter is that I am longing for it , aching for it all; the pregnancy, the birth, the raising up. 

I'm sure I sound quite naive. I'm KNOW pregnancy can be absolutely awful and that that's the easiest part. I know I'm still a little girl with a lot to learn; but I also know that I can be a wonderful mother. At BYU-H when I was taking philosophy and humanity and anthropology classes, when I was asking myself really deep questions, when I was working as an editor-in-chief...none of it struck home more than when I was working with the little 3-5 yr olds at Church. More than anywhere else , that is where I felt at home. It's where I felt I had the most power, could make the greatest impact. I wrote some great articles. I even made it into the Church News. I started two news shows ( admittedly in dire need of professional equipment and development). I got my degree. None of it eclipsed those little girls though. None of it quenched the yearning. 

That's why I said that real life is an anvil. Not because we are having a terrible time making ends meet (we've been blessed by others' graciousness in that department). Not because Justin's upcoming schooling is scary. But because on this side of graduation lies that opportunity, that blessing, that dream, and that promise of children. It's brilliant, it's amazing but most of all it's absolutely terrifying.


  1. you are blessed with an eternal perspective that puts those righteous desires at the top of your mind. you're going to be a great mom when the time comes, in the meantime enjoy where you're at right now! i know you are...

  2. Well, you don't have to justify your way of thinking to me; I was the same way. Young, married, wanting a baby, but I wasn't even graduated, so kudos to ya there!
    It really is between you, your hubby and the Lord. Definitely enjoy the time you have together, not that you wont ever have time together again, it'll just be a little different.
    I always felt that way too though, like the only job I really ever wanted was to be a mommy. Throughout my pregnancy though there were moments where I would get so scared, like I'm only 21, I don't know how to raise a kid, what was I thinking?? But now that he's here, it's even more reassuring that I'm doing the right thing. I was meant to be a mom! And I think you are too. :)
    Definitely pray about it though (I'm sure you are).
    I look forward to stalking your pregnancy. ;)


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I am a videographer located in Goodyear, Arizona. Visit my site to check out my best work and the Stories Told blog.