I want a baby. This will make little sense to those of my friends who are busy being college students, but I am leading a very different life than they are. I finished college in three years. As you can imagine that means there was very little partying and experimenting involved. I did a lot of finding myself, but I didn't do it with a killer internship or by switching majors. It happened somewhere between running to the tops of mountains and late night talks with the man who would become a part of me. I got married ( remember how confused that made people?). What I am trying to say is that I am in a different place than most of the kids my age. And I am sure most of those kids will think that this is all terribly cliche this whole getting married at twenty and then blathering on about wanting kids NOW instead of when I'm 23 thing. But that's just it, I want a baby. No matter how silly or cliche or brainwashed or whatever else it sounds the real truth of the matter is that I am longing for it , aching for it all; the pregnancy, the birth, the raising up.
I'm sure I sound quite naive. I'm KNOW pregnancy can be absolutely awful and that that's the easiest part. I know I'm still a little girl with a lot to learn; but I also know that I can be a wonderful mother. At BYU-H when I was taking philosophy and humanity and anthropology classes, when I was asking myself really deep questions, when I was working as an editor-in-chief...none of it struck home more than when I was working with the little 3-5 yr olds at Church. More than anywhere else , that is where I felt at home. It's where I felt I had the most power, could make the greatest impact. I wrote some great articles. I even made it into the Church News. I started two news shows ( admittedly in dire need of professional equipment and development). I got my degree. None of it eclipsed those little girls though. None of it quenched the yearning.
That's why I said that real life is an anvil. Not because we are having a terrible time making ends meet (we've been blessed by others' graciousness in that department). Not because Justin's upcoming schooling is scary. But because on this side of graduation lies that opportunity, that blessing, that dream, and that promise of children. It's brilliant, it's amazing but most of all it's absolutely terrifying.