Thursday, September 22, 2011


Lately I have been learning a lot about different philosophers, and it's lent to this constant nagging in the back of my head. I keep asking myself, what is reality? Everyone has their own perception of what is real, can we definitely say that what we as individuals percieve to be reality is universal? Can we each have a personal reality? Perhaps our dreams, or visions, or whatever form part of our realities? If a tree falls down in an uninhabited forest does it make a sound? Of course whenever I find myself facing such a quandry I always turn to the experts---

Of course we know J.K. Rawling's standpoint on the issue, or at least Dumbledore's ...

             "Tell me one thing,"said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?" Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice was loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure. " Of course it is happening in your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

And J.R.R. Tolkein's/ Gandalf's( beginning with "Darkness took me)

Another snowy haired advice giver ...
Which just goes to show that all you have to do to avoid personal crises is be a nerd...or lest that's how I see things.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

An Ongoing Battle

There is one enemy I have had to face time and time again. It creeps up on me, cripples me, grips me tightly and doesn't let go. A fear of being mediocre.

In highschool, I followed a very tight schedule. I woke up before dawn to drag myself to seminary, I took AP classes and tests,went to mutual, sang in the choir, ran 4yrs of Varsity Cross Country and Track...and always always I was striving for the best, my Dad used to say, " Just do your best Kels, that's all we ask you for..." but doing your best in everything is easier said than done.

Back then, and today too, I never really felt like I was doing a great job. It felt like I was constantly treading water, trying to balance all the different commitments I had made, and I felt like all I could do was stay afloat. These days I am still running cross country, working for the newspaper, taking 16 credits, married, doing my own laundry...sometimes I feel like I'm sinking.

Maybe that's why I get so worked up about stupid things like my failed attempt at a romantic dinner tonight. See Justin and I have been so busy lately, and I just wanted to get back that old excitement of being together. I am not a great cook and I feel terrible that we eat macaroni or fast-food as often as we do because I can't seem to get myself organized enough to plan meals ahead and do the prep work when I have the time. Tonight I wanted to make something at least remotely culinary and I fantasized about buying a single candle from foodland, letting it burn low, talking and laughing and enjoying our perfectly crafted spinach stuffed potatoes. But alas, mediocre seems to be the limit for me.

After a series of events ( such as taking hours longer to get to the beach because my beloved wanted to send a detailed analysis of today's race to his coach), it was 6:10 and no efforts had yet been exerted for said dinner plans. Soon it was 6:30 and I found myself waiting for Justin to leave on his second run so I could start getting stuff together , but still he lingered...and ate a sandwich...even though I had told him I wanted to make him a special dinner and that it was his responsability to supply the candle. My frustration mounted...

Fast forward, I am fuming after Justin tells me he is not very hungry because dinner ended up being so late--- "( and not that tasty...and candleless...)," I think----and that is when that awful fear of never being anything more than mediocre kicks me in the hiney. I just sit there feeling crappy like "this is the most romantic dinner I will ever be able to give him because it seems to be physically impossible for me to get dinner on the table before 8 p.m. so it will always be a choice between disintrest in my stressfully prepared food or fastfood on-time." Then I think about how I am settling for the 6th spot on my team because I know 6 travel and as long as I get on the traveling team I will be happy. I think about how my senior year of high school  I let myself get a C in art history just because I didn't want to put the extra hours of effort into homework. I think about how I am graduating early and how it's bittersweet because I feel like the major I chose ended up being a super-easy-to-complete one and how their are other kids doing 20 hour long projects every other week. I think about how I want to be a writer , but how I also want to be a mom and it seems like in order to have both of those I will have to settle for reporting on highschool cross country meets and entertaining fantasies about writing a novel with a twighlightesque response from the world.

I sit here and I wonder why I do any of it at all, I am not particularly excelling in anything. My head is screaming " I need validation!!!!" and " Seriously are you that much of an attention-seeker??" at the same time. So what's it all for anyway? Why do I go through my day stretched thin just to stew in a boiling pot of mediocrity? I have no idea. I do know that there are these pure, quiet moments that come and make me feel like I'm doing something right. I know that my husband and family love me. I guess the real question I am asking myself is " Do I love me?" The answer I think is that I love the person I want to be, and I can't be her if I don't do this stuff now. I won't ever have it all figured out, but for now I will plan on being a less frazzled, nicer, more-prompt-dinner-maker someday, and learn to love myself in the meantime...right?

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I am a videographer located in Goodyear, Arizona. Visit my site to check out my best work and the Stories Told blog.