I'm sick. Do I even dare?
I hesitate to ask the question, because the answer isn't one I'll like. The answer is another question -- a more complicated question. A question I'll be answering for the rest of my life.
As I sit here letting more and more of the story unfold, I can't understand.
The question just hangs there, threatening tangibility, threatening to force itself from my lips.It chokes me as I choke back the sobs. A whimpering starts deep within and I wipe angrily at the tears sparking in my eyes. These aren't my tears to cry.
Images, jumbled and mostly imagined, flash before me. A part of me is fighting, trying to tell myself it can be stopped, that it won't happen to me, won't happen to--no I can't think it. I won't. But it wells up inside of me and overwhelms.That question. " How can I bring a child into this kind of world?"
Friday, December 14, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Rain, Romance, and Taylor Swift
I think you know someone is right for you when you can be all of yourselves in front of them and not feel like you're telling a secret. You know how you have different sides, like how you talk differently, sit differently, and even think differently when you are talking to your boss than you do when your talking to your dog? Like how you are totally cool with your family's annoyance as you belt out Wicked songs, but you'd be mortified if said belting were overheard by say your college professor. See, you know you've found your soul mate when you can scream Backstreet Boys songs in a little girl voice for the duration of a 40 minute bike ride, then turn right around and shy away from asking for ketchup at McDonald's.
Back in the days when Justin was my boyfriend, I used to drop everything and sprint to his house whenever there was the slightest hint of rain. The thing is, I had this notion that dancing in the rain- and just not caring whether it ruined my hairstyle or not -was romantic.The the thing is that it was really a silly thing, and yet my husband-to-be would smile , everytime, and turn up the volume on his phone's music app. I am a hopeless romantic, and I am and have always been accepted as such by the love of my life.
There isn't much rain here in Arizona so our romantic dances have taken on a new trigger...Taylor Swift. Say what you will, but the point is that whether the song is actually about a lasting relationship or not doesn't really make a difference to us. Only that stolen moment in which we are completely ourselves, and completely in love with each other.
So naturally when Justin came sprinting in after a basketball night saying "Hurry, the song's almost over" and dragging me out to the garage to finish a T Swift song playing over the car speakers, I just absolutely had to blog about it.
Back in the days when Justin was my boyfriend, I used to drop everything and sprint to his house whenever there was the slightest hint of rain. The thing is, I had this notion that dancing in the rain- and just not caring whether it ruined my hairstyle or not -was romantic.The the thing is that it was really a silly thing, and yet my husband-to-be would smile , everytime, and turn up the volume on his phone's music app. I am a hopeless romantic, and I am and have always been accepted as such by the love of my life.
There isn't much rain here in Arizona so our romantic dances have taken on a new trigger...Taylor Swift. Say what you will, but the point is that whether the song is actually about a lasting relationship or not doesn't really make a difference to us. Only that stolen moment in which we are completely ourselves, and completely in love with each other.
So naturally when Justin came sprinting in after a basketball night saying "Hurry, the song's almost over" and dragging me out to the garage to finish a T Swift song playing over the car speakers, I just absolutely had to blog about it.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Ins and Outs
Have you missed me? 3 weeks it's been since my last post. I had plenty of ideas for posts in the meantime but, I guess I am getting choosier about what I post and when an why. My apologies.
Maybe I'm being a little selfish but I wanted to share with you all how very proud of myself I am. Over the last few months I have been working very hard to change some of my less-endearing habits and I now feel that my success is complete enough to share.
That's right, I've altogether stopped being a slob. Well I guess that's not entirely fair--I still am a chronic mess-maker, but I have learned how to counter it. Yes, over the past few months I've been doing an increasingly good job of keeping the house in homeostasis. Best of all , Justin appreciates it. The other day was the first time I really sat back and thought "something is different here." "Hey," I said , all thoughtful, " this house hasn't been messy for longer than 6bconsecutive hours in a long time..." "Yeah, " he said, "your actually like a clean person now- I'm not gonna lie, for a while there I was worried."
Poor Justin, I guess it took me a lot longer than most people to figure out my own inner workings. I was trying to be clean and organized all along, but I think the difference is that I've finally learned what works for me, rather than trying other people's routines on for size.
What I've learned about me:
1. Just trying to pick up after myself immediately after I make a mess ( say putting my clothes in the hamper after taking them off) just doesn't work for me. For whatever reason I can not get my mind focused enough to do it consistently.
2. Establishing a plan or routine before learning the ins and outs of a new schedule doesn't work for me. For years I've tried to be "with it" and say this is how it's going to work, I have to make myself do it this way before really knowing at what points in the day I'll be exhausted or hungry or in a "cleaning mood".
3.Procrastinating doesn't work for me.
It took me years to figure out the doesn'ts, but when I did the doeses just fell right into place.
1. Having frequent, set times throughout the day and week in which I clean does work for me.
2. Waiting a week or two to see when those times naturally fall into place, and then holding myself to that "natural" schedule does work for me.
3. Once I've done 1&2, doing it now and not waiting for a better time where I "feel more like it" does work for me.
It feels good to have gotten a handle on this part of myself I just hope I can keep it up!
P.S. In case you were wondering, Justin and I did in fact watch all 6 of the Star Wars movies recently, and I have since been using Yoda's classic diction in my everyday life, if some of these effects have rubbed off on my blogging I either apologize or say your welcome.
3.
Maybe I'm being a little selfish but I wanted to share with you all how very proud of myself I am. Over the last few months I have been working very hard to change some of my less-endearing habits and I now feel that my success is complete enough to share.
That's right, I've altogether stopped being a slob. Well I guess that's not entirely fair--I still am a chronic mess-maker, but I have learned how to counter it. Yes, over the past few months I've been doing an increasingly good job of keeping the house in homeostasis. Best of all , Justin appreciates it. The other day was the first time I really sat back and thought "something is different here." "Hey," I said , all thoughtful, " this house hasn't been messy for longer than 6bconsecutive hours in a long time..." "Yeah, " he said, "your actually like a clean person now- I'm not gonna lie, for a while there I was worried."
Poor Justin, I guess it took me a lot longer than most people to figure out my own inner workings. I was trying to be clean and organized all along, but I think the difference is that I've finally learned what works for me, rather than trying other people's routines on for size.
What I've learned about me:
1. Just trying to pick up after myself immediately after I make a mess ( say putting my clothes in the hamper after taking them off) just doesn't work for me. For whatever reason I can not get my mind focused enough to do it consistently.
2. Establishing a plan or routine before learning the ins and outs of a new schedule doesn't work for me. For years I've tried to be "with it" and say this is how it's going to work, I have to make myself do it this way before really knowing at what points in the day I'll be exhausted or hungry or in a "cleaning mood".
3.Procrastinating doesn't work for me.
It took me years to figure out the doesn'ts, but when I did the doeses just fell right into place.
1. Having frequent, set times throughout the day and week in which I clean does work for me.
2. Waiting a week or two to see when those times naturally fall into place, and then holding myself to that "natural" schedule does work for me.
3. Once I've done 1&2, doing it now and not waiting for a better time where I "feel more like it" does work for me.
It feels good to have gotten a handle on this part of myself I just hope I can keep it up!
P.S. In case you were wondering, Justin and I did in fact watch all 6 of the Star Wars movies recently, and I have since been using Yoda's classic diction in my everyday life, if some of these effects have rubbed off on my blogging I either apologize or say your welcome.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Mystery and Spaces
I have a few different posts I've got to get posted before November starts: an election day research project, and a Pinterest challenge update ( yeah you thought I'd given up, never fear guys I am slowly inching closer to that 30 pin goal.)
Despite the urgent need to post my first political post and to post pictures of my latest projects, I won't be writing either of those posts today. Today I want to write about something a little more spiritual ( original right?). Maybe it's because of the particularly thought provoking, old episode of House I watched on ion yesterday? In any case, here we go again.
In my studies there was a certain line of logic that came up frequently . It went something like this; human beings feel the need to explain mystery (using language ) and thus make up stories and belief systems to compensate for their fear(?) of the unknown ( W. Barnett Pearce, check him out, courtesy of the first seemingly scholarly work that popped up on google) . Many people use this line of logic to argue that religion and faith are really just compensation for the unknown. Some might even argue that this is evidence that science is the best way to come to know ( obviously false as science is itself a belief system which seeks to explain the unknown for the same reason). There was always something that bothered me in the class discussions that centered around this idea.
Why do we stop asking why when we get to mystery? I struggled in class to put words to the feeling I had whenever we got down to this question. It felt like putting the brakes on to quickly. By asking why, logic had somehow gotten us to the conclusion that human beings feel the need to explain mystery/the unknown but we stopped there. I think a better question to ask is why do human beings feel the need to explain the unknown? You don't see cats walking around contemplating the meaning of life. They eat they sleep they get on with things , and that seems to be enough for them. At least, they've yet to start up institutions where they sit around all day mewling at each other about it ...at least not that I know of...although now that I come to think of it cats do seem to slip off discreetly on a fairly regular basis. Elephants don't seem to have been seized by a an urge to stare up at the stars and chart their movement across the night sky. I've yet to see an ape look ponderously at a flock of birds flying and jot measurements down.
What cues us in to the fact that there are things we don't know? I've seen Beta shocked by one thing or another, but I haven't ever found her later curled up in a corner with the spark of a burning question in her eyes. You get what I'm saying , yeah there's evidence of some animals mourning their dead but this isn't exactly compelling evidence that they are trying to explain the unknown.
Personally, I feel less fearful of the unknown and more drawn to it. Sometimes I find myself obsessing about life after death, other times I am pinning images of what I hope is in my future like somehow that makes the future a little more knowable.
Why are we drawn to these questions? Do we see spaces, absences where there are none? I don't think we do. Deep down, we know that there is more , something beyond. Our stories express this , touch on these deeply felt gaps in mortal knowledge. For "time ", something we've created to measure our seemingly limited lives, there's "eternity" something that defies our own institution and points to something bigger, something more ( is it "more"?). We feel it and so we ask, once we've asked we must explain...at least, that's my explanation ;)
*P.S. Maybe some of you don't think you do ask these questions , but unless you made a conscious decision to leave society in favor of a culturally isolated life and also chose to give up language then you are partaking in a belief system that answers these questions for you and thus you have been relieved of that fundamental need for now.*
Despite the urgent need to post my first political post and to post pictures of my latest projects, I won't be writing either of those posts today. Today I want to write about something a little more spiritual ( original right?). Maybe it's because of the particularly thought provoking, old episode of House I watched on ion yesterday? In any case, here we go again.
In my studies there was a certain line of logic that came up frequently . It went something like this; human beings feel the need to explain mystery (using language ) and thus make up stories and belief systems to compensate for their fear(?) of the unknown ( W. Barnett Pearce, check him out, courtesy of the first seemingly scholarly work that popped up on google) . Many people use this line of logic to argue that religion and faith are really just compensation for the unknown. Some might even argue that this is evidence that science is the best way to come to know ( obviously false as science is itself a belief system which seeks to explain the unknown for the same reason). There was always something that bothered me in the class discussions that centered around this idea.
Why do we stop asking why when we get to mystery? I struggled in class to put words to the feeling I had whenever we got down to this question. It felt like putting the brakes on to quickly. By asking why, logic had somehow gotten us to the conclusion that human beings feel the need to explain mystery/the unknown but we stopped there. I think a better question to ask is why do human beings feel the need to explain the unknown? You don't see cats walking around contemplating the meaning of life. They eat they sleep they get on with things , and that seems to be enough for them. At least, they've yet to start up institutions where they sit around all day mewling at each other about it ...at least not that I know of...although now that I come to think of it cats do seem to slip off discreetly on a fairly regular basis. Elephants don't seem to have been seized by a an urge to stare up at the stars and chart their movement across the night sky. I've yet to see an ape look ponderously at a flock of birds flying and jot measurements down.
What cues us in to the fact that there are things we don't know? I've seen Beta shocked by one thing or another, but I haven't ever found her later curled up in a corner with the spark of a burning question in her eyes. You get what I'm saying , yeah there's evidence of some animals mourning their dead but this isn't exactly compelling evidence that they are trying to explain the unknown.
Personally, I feel less fearful of the unknown and more drawn to it. Sometimes I find myself obsessing about life after death, other times I am pinning images of what I hope is in my future like somehow that makes the future a little more knowable.
Why are we drawn to these questions? Do we see spaces, absences where there are none? I don't think we do. Deep down, we know that there is more , something beyond. Our stories express this , touch on these deeply felt gaps in mortal knowledge. For "time ", something we've created to measure our seemingly limited lives, there's "eternity" something that defies our own institution and points to something bigger, something more ( is it "more"?). We feel it and so we ask, once we've asked we must explain...at least, that's my explanation ;)
*P.S. Maybe some of you don't think you do ask these questions , but unless you made a conscious decision to leave society in favor of a culturally isolated life and also chose to give up language then you are partaking in a belief system that answers these questions for you and thus you have been relieved of that fundamental need for now.*
Saturday, October 20, 2012
For a Little Lamb who is Lost
This poem is for a little lamb who is lost. It is special in that it was written as a personal lament for one person. If you relate to this piece, feel free to share it. However please do not use it for political ends, for that is not why it was written, and will be made hollow in such an attempt.
How far will you wander away little lamb,
before you know you are lost?
How much are you willing to pay,
little lamb, before you realize the cost?
You give yourself o'er and o'er, little lamb,
once pure without blemish or spot.
Gladly you'll be a sacrifice now,
O'er the heathen , gentile's pot.
Answer the Master's call little lamb
'fore you find yourself tossed in the pit.
Wait not til that day at the judgement bar,
at which too the Lord will sit.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I'll be back friends
In the last few weeks my time on the internet has become limited. It's been a great thing, but it means that I have to make sure I bring the right notebook with me when I intend to post a blog post ;) Don't worry I've got a thoughtful poem already written and waiting to be posted, as well as an update on that pinterest challenge you thought you'd have heard more about by now. Keep coming back , I promise I'll be here soon!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Sustainability
I first heard the term "Sustainability" from my roommate ( who later became a best friend and bridesmaid) Michelle Stevens. It was within the first few days of our meeting my freshman year, she described the AP Sustainability class she'd taken at her high school in Oregon. Only in Oregon right?
As I continued my studies, sustainability continued to pop up as a more and more important issue. I read books such as The Age of Missing Information by Bill McKibben, which drew to my attention the cultural problem of a disconnect from nature. I co-wrote a 20 page paper about it. I fell in love with Wendell Berry. I started a pinterest board. I cherished finding this book at Justin's grandma's...
Justin and I have enjoyed several of the longest conversations we've ever had ( remember how he doesn't really talk much?) about "organic" food and farmers' markets. Between his interest in health and preventative medicine, and my own theories about the socio-cultural benefits of local growing and reconnecting with nature we could go on for hours.
In the end though, my dear husband in all of his wisdom has again led me to ask myself this question; What am I doing about it? I defended myself to him by saying that even little changes were big ones for me, but as I go through this whole "being present" phase I can't help thinking that if this really is something I believe in /cherish, then I can't just file it away for the "when we get rich enough to buy a little plot of land" future.
These are the little things I am doing now:
1)Opening the blinds each morning and turning off lights whenever they are on
2)Reading books and articles about sustainability and living off the land
3)Asking Grandparents about growing up, and the logistics of homesteading ( so far I've learned about raising rabbits for meat, dairy cows, beef cows, sheep, bee-keeping, and horses)
4)Trying to change my clothes less, and re-wearing clothing that isn't soiled before washing it
5)Helping Justin's grandma( and learning in the process) tend a vegetable garden
6)Reusing and Upcycling plastic containers, paper towels, etc.
These are some things that I think I can add into my routine now:
1)Hanging sheets, towels, and running clothes to dry
2)Using more of what we have, making sure I plan well enough that we aren't throwing out food.
3)Donating to a charity that focuses on making villages etc. more sustainable ( areas where there are inefficient water sources etc.
4)Eating healthier
5)Taking more nature walks, spending more time in the backyard, camping more.
6)Reading more Wendell Berry :)
What do you think? What does sustainability mean to you? Can you think of something I should add to my list?
Justin and I have enjoyed several of the longest conversations we've ever had ( remember how he doesn't really talk much?) about "organic" food and farmers' markets. Between his interest in health and preventative medicine, and my own theories about the socio-cultural benefits of local growing and reconnecting with nature we could go on for hours.
In the end though, my dear husband in all of his wisdom has again led me to ask myself this question; What am I doing about it? I defended myself to him by saying that even little changes were big ones for me, but as I go through this whole "being present" phase I can't help thinking that if this really is something I believe in /cherish, then I can't just file it away for the "when we get rich enough to buy a little plot of land" future.
These are the little things I am doing now:
1)Opening the blinds each morning and turning off lights whenever they are on
2)Reading books and articles about sustainability and living off the land
3)Asking Grandparents about growing up, and the logistics of homesteading ( so far I've learned about raising rabbits for meat, dairy cows, beef cows, sheep, bee-keeping, and horses)
4)Trying to change my clothes less, and re-wearing clothing that isn't soiled before washing it
5)Helping Justin's grandma( and learning in the process) tend a vegetable garden
 |
| Our first sprout-a pea shoot |
6)Reusing and Upcycling plastic containers, paper towels, etc.
These are some things that I think I can add into my routine now:
1)Hanging sheets, towels, and running clothes to dry
 |
| Justin has already started. |
2)Using more of what we have, making sure I plan well enough that we aren't throwing out food.
3)Donating to a charity that focuses on making villages etc. more sustainable ( areas where there are inefficient water sources etc.
4)Eating healthier
5)Taking more nature walks, spending more time in the backyard, camping more.
6)Reading more Wendell Berry :)
What do you think? What does sustainability mean to you? Can you think of something I should add to my list?
 |
| My basil and chives |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
- kelseyk3
- I am a videographer located in Goodyear, Arizona. Visit my site storiestoldmedia.com to check out my best work and the Stories Told blog.