Regrets

When I was around eleven, I took a trip to Colorado with two of my younger sisters, and my cousin Kaycee. We went all by ourselves to visit our Great-Aunt Nancy, who lived alone in Highlands Ranch. Aunt Nancy, my grandpa's sister, took us all around Colorado. We went to the Sugarwater Festival and saw Queen Latifah, we went shopping and she gave us each a hundred dollar bill to spend, we went to the red rock amphitheater and Georgetown too. Great-Aunt Nancy never forgot our birthdays, and always sent Target gift cards every Christmas.When she got back from one of her adventures to Thailand or West Africa or India she would always bring back presents. Last year, she called to ask my mom what I wanted most out of all the things I'd registered for. She bought me a set of China, my beautiful beautiful China that I treasure so much I nearly had a heart attack when we moved it here a few weeks ago.

I sent a round of Thank-You notes for my wedding, but I know I missed a lot of people ( sorry if you're one of them :( ). I found a whole bunch of now-yellowed envelopes stuffed hastily in a drawer at my parents house this summer. Now I am wracking my brain to remember if Aunt Nancy got a Thank You. Did she know? Did she know how much it meant to me that she was one of the four who knew I wanted china the most then lovely had it sent my way? Does she know that over these years I have thought of her often, that I treasure the memories of that long-ago Colorado trip?

I am terrified to think that she didn't know, didn't feel loved or appreciated by me. I wrote her countless little notes-started them at least, thought of calling her all the time. Most recently, I thought of calling to see how she felt about that Batman shooting. The thing is, when someone gets to the point in their life where they pass on from this world, you realize just how much procrastination can hurt. Hurt you, hurt your Aunt Nancy.

My Dad is flying out to Colorado with my Grandpa to finally pay that visit. I am touched that my Grandpa , who has had trouble traveling lately is willing to go through a certain amount of indignity in order to say his goodbyes to his sister. I am sad to know that my Aunt Nancy is going. I mourn her death, but mostly I mourn the loss of an opportunity to send her that nice note, to show her how much I love her. I know that this life is just one of many travel destinations for my Aunt Nancy, but somehow I wish I were able to reach her where she is going next.

On Beauty

It's been awhile since I've posted, but now's not the time for updates. I've been thinking about beauty. What it means, what it feels like. We live in a society that's obsessed with it. Or thinks it's obsessed with it. I'm not so sure we haven't missed the mark on this one. ```

In art, beauty is a lottery ticket. If you hit on true beauty you can move nations. But true beauty is quite elusive. What's beautiful in one time or place is not so beautiful to another group of people. Art critics try to corner this concept, some even go so far as to say that one of the criteria for the truly aesthetic is that it is relevant or moves the people of it's time and place. And yet, so many artists have created beautiful work that wasn't admired or appreciated 'til years later. Is their work not beautiful?

Living in this particular time and place can be difficult in terms of beauty. As a young American woman I find myself thinking about it for hours , taking it to what I feel are superficial and frankly unhealthy extents...but I am not even half as engrossed as many of my fellow young American women. Shoot, I only put on make-up like twice a week!Still I think about it often, I have moments when I assure myself that I have a rocking body, that my looks are stunning, exquisite, rare. Then there are those, more frequent moments in which I cry and pout and blame the universe for the fact that I look like I'm 12, that I'm having a bad hair day, that the stupid dog nearly knocked my tooth out and now I have to wear a retainer for 3 months ( which of course adds to the prepubescent problem).

There are times when I consider beauty in a more reflective,  outreaching way. Times when I stop and smell roses,times when I marvel at someone else's genius, but those moments don't happen enough.It seems like mostly I don't take notice until beauty is staring me straight in the face.

Can something be truly beautiful if only one person ever sees it? I am beautiful to Justin in a way that no one else will ever see or ever know. Justin's every breath is beautiful to me. No really, I'm not just trying to be cheesy here. I think about those moments in my life where I really truly saw beauty; in a painting,  a movie, in a rose. Once I went running in some dusty old hills, I parted from the trail and made my way through the ugliest patch of thorns and weeds and then happened upon a little valley covered in these purple flowers. I knelt down and thanked God for that beautiful moment, and then I begged him to forgive me for being blind.

If you're like me, you are probably tired of not seeing. Tired of staring straight ahead and pushing hurriedly forward, just to find out you aren't really going anywhere at all. It's time for me to open my eyes and see what's beautiful. I have a feeling I won't see it in magazines either.

Writing my own story: Part I

I have a real life job interview for a coaching position coming up and I am spending today researching and preparing for it. While it may seem silly, I am quite nervous and I thought up this little exercise to help me feel more in control when the time comes. Basically, I've decided to write my own story. This is how my interview is going to go...we'll see how different the real life experience turns out!




She walked confidently through the door and sat opposite him across his desk. There was something about the way she carried herself that exuded the kind of authority you needed for this job. He looked up with sharp eyes, surveying her critically. She was young; probably too young. If he'd seen her on the street wearing a different outfit he might have mistaken her for one of the girls themselves. Still, there was probably an advantage to that, the girls would have someone they could relate to yet someone with just enough experience over them to command their attention and respect. Something told him not to underestimate her.He asked her the first question, she quivered. "Nerves," he thought critically. She answered well enough, speaking too quickly but mentioning something about 'linear periodization' which told him she'd done her homework. She loosened up throughout the rest of the interview and he knew she had it. It would be a gamble to hire her but it was as if things were lined up in her favor. She had the family background, the time and energy, just enough experience, and the fire for it. More than anything else he knew that she loved running and he figured if she ran with the kids they'd be sure to improve. "Lead by example" she had said, when he'd asked about her coaching philosophy, and he knew she would.

My Apologies

Dear Blogging friends look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn look to the east.


P.S. Look people if you are going to read my blog then you will have to accept my LOTR obsession.

P.S.S. For those who are now wondering...currently it's 7 times, I am toying with the idea of reading it again before real life happens though...

Days # 7 and 8: Camping Crafts!

Justin and I left on Monday, after a grueling test on his part and some grade a doddling on mine, to meet my parents, my aunt, and some family friends at El Capitan Canyon near Santa Barbara for some good ole' fashioned camping. We had a lot of fun and I took the opportunity to try out some camping pins!

The first, I pinned with this particular trip in mind and I was bursting to try it. There were 11 kids from 1 yr-16yrs on the trip and I figured if I bought 8 oranges that maybe some of them would want to try it. But on Tuesday night when I started getting the all the stuff together, without even getting around to asking, all 11...make that 10 (the one year old wasn't super interested) seemed to appear out of nowhere , as though they had apparated immediately upon smelling instant cake mix. They all had a fun time scooping out orange guts and waited anxiously for their cakes to finish cooking. I would say that this one was a success!

 Of course, they weren't super pretty but they tasted great and the kids loved them.

The next day, I worked on a "Sustainability" pin I have been hoping to try. I have pinned a ton of projects from the Boy Scouts Magazine, Boys Life website and this was the first time I tried to make one.

The Pizza-box Oven was a cinch to assemble, and Justin actually enjoyed helping me with this one. What I learned though, was that this solar oven takes A LONG TIME to cook anything in...an I am still not a hundred percent sure that the marshmallow I tried cooking wouldn't have cooked just as well sans foil/cardboard contraption.

I plan on making another one (Tip#1:  if you use your solar oven on the beach don't fall asleep and let it get soaked.) and trying it in Casa Grande, where there is sure to be plenty of sunlight and heat.

Life Uninhibited

Usually I attribute a lapse in posting to a break from reality. Up until now the gaps between my posts have been filled with visiting family, hitting the couch for a while, daydreaming. Not this time.

No, my latest absence from this blog was due to what I'll call an overdose of reality. Without giving details about someone else's life, I would like to share my feelings about where the world is going, now that we've seen a different side of it.

What I have learned from venturing out of the blissful bubble that is Justin's and my happy little life is that there are lots of people out there who make really bad choices.

As I contemplate what I have come to know these last few weeks; I am shocked, awed at the fact that I managed to get this far along in my life unscathed by the plague that is addiction, in one form or another. While I am sure there are those who feel completely o.k. with where they're at, I have seen what started out as "normal behavior" spiral into something much more sinister.

Where are we going world? To what end will this quibbling idea of morality bring us? How can we draw lines, expect people not to go to extremes, when young kids are being told that sex, drugs, pornography, are just a natural part of life. "Try it once, just for the experience, " they are told, "just know your limits." Newsflash world, pre-adolescents don't know their limits, CAN'T know their limits. Some say it's not within their psychological capacity ( Kegan) . These kids aren't maturing either, its like they get stuck in a terrible cycle , they can't move past the egoism of the teen years. If you ask me its an epidemic.

I know what you are thinking; I am prude, judgemental. No. I'm not. I have lived a great life, been sheltered from the harsh realities around me, but I am a good listener. I know that many of the people who have chosen such a lifestyle are good people. That's the saddest part. That these good people will never know what I know, never have what I have. A life uninhibited. The freedom to reach far beyong the mediocrity of this everyday life. The foresight to choose my own destiny. I'm not deluded, though you may not believe me, I am speaking from a level of experience that fewer and fewer people have today. Some might say I can't possibly know because I have so little personal experience with drugs, sex, and pornography. I'd argue that that lack of exposure lends to a broader perspective.

I am watching people waste away. I see people spend their best years chasing happiness, constantly running in the wrong direction. Life comes with problems, and I won't say my life is perfect, but I will say that I am free from the burdens of addiction, from the chains of the social expectations that come along with it. It's an incredible gift that I feel incredibly lucky to have.

P.S. I will start up the 30 day challenge again tomorrow. This week's theme will be "camping", since that's what I'll be doing ;)

In Which Beta Becomes A Challenge

Beta , modeling Day #6's project

I guess it's about time to take stock of how our "beta test" is going. Beta is almost five months old now and she has gone from 6 1/2 pounds to 13ish pounds since we got her. The first few weeks were hard because she whined all night unless we let her sleep on the bed. So we let her sleep on the bed...and secretly I totally loved it. Especially because she fulfilled a life long dream of having a dog literally sleep at the foot of the bed. I thought that raising a puppy would be filled with gruesome tests that would keep me occupied enough to dismiss that case of baby-on-the-brain that I've had off and on for the last little while; but our beta test is going wonderfully! She is such a little sweetheart as you can tell by her sweet face. She is low maintenance. She sleeps a lot so she doesn't get lonely or anxious if we leave the house during the day, and she is adoring, loyal, and loving as a dog could be. I love that she follows me up and down the stairs , no matter how frequently that is. She is pretty quiet, but she'll play if you get her toys out. My favorite thing though, is that she totally loves little kids. Whenever we walk past babies or have young toddlers over she goes nuts, she gets so happy and plays so gently and sweetly with them. It's a big reassurance for me because I am not a fan of getting rid of dogs when the going gets tough. I want Beta to be a part of our family for the rest of our life!

Now this all sounds ooey gooey and wonerful but see, Beta has presented me with a real problem. She has been so easy and brought so much joy that she has lead me straight back into that baby-craze! The thing is that I know that right at this moment isn't quite the right time yet, but I so want it to be... Of course Justin has an answer for everything. The other night, just before bed we lay there talking sweetly to eachother and I tried to convince ( yet again). "Justin I just want a baby so bad, I think we should just do it." I said , half-serious. " How could you Kels," he said " we have a baby!" and with that he plopped Beta right into my lap. I cuddled her and felt better, temporarily.

Now let's get to the challenge part. Today I took an easy way out. I looked for something that would be easy and involve Beta (so I could get two for one with this post) and found the most ridiculously awesome, simple way to make a dog sweater.

Here's the link to the site I pinned from. The idea was so simple that I didn't actually even read directions. I just followed the picture from the pin.